I've been arguing alot with my lady. We both lost our cars and it is making it hard for the two of us to see each other. She has been trying to keep in touch over the phone when she can but she still disappears for large periods of time leaving me clueless as to what is going on with her. Her work schedule is all over the place and she has so much going on that it just makes it more difficult. She is a very independent woman. She kicks it with who she wants, does what she wants, and I feel neglected alot. Some of the stuff she does just doesn't look right. She says one thing but then does another. I catch her covering up shit and lying too much. She hides so much stuff from me that it is getting insulting. She says she doesn't have time but then I find out all this other stuff going on with her and I realized she does have time. She just uses it in a way that doesn't make sense to me. I'm really frustrated with her flaking on me and she doesn't even call to tell me. She just leaves me waiting and ignores my calls if I call to ask her what is going on. I have to leave angry messages to get her to finally pick the phone up to tell me that she is flaking on me, and she always gives stupid excuses that really show her lack of priorities. I am starting to feel like a fool. I wish I had it good where I could just dump her and move on to some other jaina, but the reality is I'm not much of a people person so if I do I'll probably be doing a stretch before my next functional opportunity to be with someone. I just don't got it like that. Wish I did but I don't. I'm not a very sharp mind, my conversation skills are very bad, I realize I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. Maybe I'm just doubting myself and need to try harder, but I try pretty damn hard. If you don't know what to do then you don't know what to do. We live in a society of no explanations and high expectations. If you don't understand the rhythm you don't really get to benefit from it. I'm walking the streets but I feel like I'm still doing time. I don't understand and I tend to be locked out of my own environment. Simple basic things don't come easily to me. I don't understand this place, I just pretend like I do to avoid upsetting people.
Well I am making plans for the 12Th. So far this is what I have on my list:
-charge phone battery
this way when I power it up when released it might work and I'll have a phone.
-get a haircut the day before
this way I can still look decent while in there for as long as possible
this way I can catch the bus home or use a payphone if my phone doesn't power up
-have a list of phone numbers
this way I know peoples numbers if my phone doesn't work
I hope my lady goes to court with me but she cant seem to do anything unless someone gives her a ride. She says she will visit me but I don't know how without a car. If she cant even send a one sentence text message to tell me she is canceling plans then I don't know how she is going to write me entire letters much less mail them on time.
Its sad because part of the root problem is a lack of money. Without money everything becomes extra frustrating and complicated. A simple trip to the store becomes an ordeal without a car. If we had money everything would flow so much easier and be less stressful. I could get my own place and she could visit. I could pick her up and we could do more. Without funds everything becomes a challenge, even simple things and the strain kills the chemistry after a while. I guess if you've known someone for a long time then it wont matter but it prevents potential relationships from making it.
You can only work with what you got, so this is my plan:
-Spend as little money as possible. This way we can save as much as possible. I need to save money
-Fix my credit. I only owe a couple hundred bucks but still, I was denied a chase card because of it. I'm really stressing over my tickets though. They can go into collections so I hope I can serve time for them instead to clear them.
-Graduate the University. I only have 1 semester left after this one. Then I just have to pass the exit exams and I will have a Bachelors Degree.
-Network with people. I need to force myself to talk to people to get to know more connections. I am surrounded by connections and I can just waste them by silently passing thru.
-Expunge my record. Once I graduate I can request a court date to reduce my convictions to a misdemeanor. They are non-violent felonies so as long as I demonstrate that I'm trying hard to make it I think they will show me love as long as I can pay the fees. No more being a Felon! Employers will never know...
The fact that I need to save is frustrating because I am in so much ticket and court debt that I don't have much to save sadly. I try to budget my funds wisely but they are limited after all. However, I still need to plan for what I am saving for:
1. A car. Nothing great just a decent lil bucket with a good motor. I have to start off humble.
2. My own place. I priced apts and they have several singles for 8-900$ -I just need to have the security deposit up front.
3. Emergency money. I don't want any surprises to cripple me.
4. Relationship Money. Because without a lady to celebrate life with, I don't see a reason to even try.
I need to force myself to do things that I don't want to do and learn to enjoy them.
Figuring out things on my own is not easy, so I need to try to be receptive.
It is very important to walk with dignity . I need to find more places to plug in.